Quarantine Day Who Knows Anymore

We are all living our own different stories through this COVID-19 situation we find ourselves in right now. Some of us are dealing with financial stresses of how we are going to pay our bills because our jobs are non-essential and we are no longer working. Others are considered essential workers and are still leaving our homes and having to wonder daily if today is the day we encounter the invisible demon lurking upon the fingertips of the person we are sitting next to at work, or maybe it's the person we just gave change back to at the register. Or heaven forbid it's the sick patient that we have pledged our lives to taking care of that will be the reason we contract this horrific virus. Whatever details create them, each of our stories are individual and unique.

My story is different than probably only one other person that I am close with on a daily basis, and I truly do not know how she is not losing her mind, because I can tell you that I am close to it on a daily basis. You see, I live alone. I normally spend a great deal of time outside of my home working, going to the gym, going out with my friends, seeing my family and just socializing. I very much enjoy spending time by myself, but I very much need my socialization time.

For the last three weeks, that social interaction has been taken from me. I don't leave my house for work. I am blessed to still be working, but I see my living room and kitchen for far too many hours in a day. I interact with my team at work via text message, email, phone call, GoToMeeting and FaceTime, but I have no physical interaction with people. When my work days are over, I try to leave and run whatever errands I need to for my parents or myself, or I go to the local track and exercise. I have interacted with a couple of young gentlemen who are always there working out, as well, but always from 6 feet away, and only on a superficial basis.

I am blessed that I have very strong friendships that have been with me for decades, and I do mean decades. They have been with me no matter what and have pushed through every wall I've ever tried to build around myself to keep people out to make sure that I always knew that no wall I could ever build would be strong enough or high enough to keep them away from being there for me. So I mean it when I say, I am blessed. And through the last three weeks, they have reached out. And I have actually tried to allow them. Which, for me, is not easy. And I am trying to heed the advice. I am taking the walks. I am trying to learn new things. I am taking the opportunities to grow as a person, but the one thing that this forced solitude has shown me is that none of those activities will ever replace physical interaction.

I sit here daily and cry because I crave the physical interaction of another human being. My nephew came over the other day and I couldn't even hug him. Never in my life did I think that I would feel so much physical anxiety and grief over the lack of human interaction. And while all of the amazing people in my life say that they "understand", I can tell you that you will never understand this feeling. The complete and utter sense of isolation that occurs when you know you have spent three weeks unable to be close to someone, and you have an undetermined amount of time until you will have that opportunity again.

So the moral to this story my friends, and there are a couple, while you are stuck in a house with your spouse or significant other who may be driving you crazy, remember you are not suffering through this alone. And secondly, remember that while your advice to take a walk or learn a new hobby, read a book, watch a movie, reach out to friends are all great pieces of advice, and you reaching out is all incredibly valuable and cherished, none of that will ever replace the physical presence of another person that is craved, the hug of a loved one or taking a walk with a friend.

This quarantine is destroying parts of all of us. Every day I am struggling to maintain my mental health and not fall into a depression. It is not easy, but I am trying. I am trying so hard, and you are helping. But it isn't easy, so don't be discouraged when your friend who is all by themselves doesn't enthusiastically jump up and down at your suggestions of help. We're barely hanging on the best that we can.

Pandemic - Random Thoughts

            As I lie within the confines of my home, sheltered behind the locked doors and windows, I feel a sense of safety from the evil that lurks on the other side. I know what is threatening my world isn’t waiting to pounce upon me the minute I step outside my door, but each time I think about doing so I get the feeling that what I fear is there waiting for me.

            Is that what this pandemic has done to me, or is going to do to me within the next 30 days? Will the anxiety of this evil virus manifesting as a vaporous haze that will infiltrate my home if I open a door or window lead me to never want to smell the fresh air or feel the sunlight on my skin again because I don’t want to be overtaken by this scary killer that lies in wait to take me from this world?

            Living alone with my cat, I anticipate the next 30 days to be filled with many lonely days. These will be days of minimal to no social interaction, a life of social isolation. What social interaction there will be for me will be through social media or texting with friends, but how long until even that won’t be enough and my feelings of isolation will grow even more intense and my depression grow stronger, I wonder. I am a social person, so these questions worry me.

            The financial struggles of this pandemic frighten me, as I am sure it does many. But where to turn as questions swell inside me like a volcano building into an eruption leaves me even more confused and anxious. The worry swirls around me like the imaginary vaporous haze of the pandemic I imagine to be lying in wait just beyond my doors.

            Daily I listen to our leaders in this crisis waiting for their words to calm me and tell me that this crisis has an expiration date, but I hear nothing, only words spun in circles like children playing with colorful sparklers on the Fourth of July in the darkened night.  The imaginary vaporous haze lurking just beyond continues to lie in wait to overtake me.

            30 days from now, will an alarm be sounded to issue an “all clear” so that I can emerge from the four walls that have been my prison from the evil that has been lurking just beyond my doors for so many days? Will I be able to once again interact with other humans face-to-face? Will I be able to touch them? Will I be able to see my loved ones? Will I even know how to be around people again because for 30 days I have been in the equivalent of my own solitude, the only difference from that of prison is the ability to watch television or use the telephone?

            When this pandemic has gone it will not only have taken physical lives with it, but that imaginary vaporous haze that has been lying in wait just beyond my door will have taken with it a very large part of who I am as it evaporates and leaves.